I was going to start a side business making some money by smuggling eggs in from Mexico, but honestly I lack the Huevos.
Bad Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Not_an_IT_guy
- Start date
Puns about body parts are corny.
But puns about eyes are even cornea.
But puns about eyes are even cornea.
I can't stomach this any more. Why do you always make body parts the butt of every joke?
A guy sees an ad on television for a thermos. The claim is that it "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!" He rushes out and buys one. The next day, he fills it up and takes it to work. At lunch, a coworker notices the shiny new thermos.
"Hey," guy 2 says, "is that a new thermos?"
"Yep," guy 1 says, "just got it! It's great! It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold! Today, I have coffee and ice cream."
"Hey," guy 2 says, "is that a new thermos?"
"Yep," guy 1 says, "just got it! It's great! It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold! Today, I have coffee and ice cream."
If you eat a whole cake, you've committed the sin of gluttony.
Eating a whole pie is okay, though, since the sin of pi is zero.
Eating a whole pie is okay, though, since the sin of pi is zero.
Thank you all for your concern over recent events regarding my sister. When she was sent to jail, she just could not accept it. She swore, spit at us, and became violent.
As a result, the family have agreed never to play Monopoly with her again.
As a result, the family have agreed never to play Monopoly with her again.
Why is lactose-free milk called Almond Milk?
Because calling it "nut juice" would not sell as well
Because calling it "nut juice" would not sell as well
Where do wooden writing implements come from?
Pencilvania.
Pencilvania.
Honest to god. I asked my mom and dad why they weren't married in Maryland, because western Pennsylvania pronounce it as Marryland, and Maryland isn't that far from Pittsbugh. TBH, I thought everybody got married in Maryland.
I was 4
To whomever stole my copy of MS Office, I will find you! You have my Word!
I had to update my driver's license photo at the DMV.
I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said: "That's literally exactly what you look like".
Now my day is ruined.
I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said: "That's literally exactly what you look like".
Now my day is ruined.
I like your Outlook.
It's Excel-lent
My friend keeps telling me "Cheer up, man. Things could be worse - you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
I know he means well.
I know he means well.
Why are pirates so scary?
They just arrrrrr!
They just arrrrrr!
Access, denied!
I think I understand why so many Linux kernel devs hate all the Rust coders that have come into the project...
They just don't C.
They just don't C.
An engineering team was asked to design a new and functional aircraft within one week. They balked, obviously. One senior engineer in the back of the rook muttered, "that's easy, just talk to a geometry teacher". The comment was met mostly with dismissive looks and shaking of heads.
As the week progressed, the younger engineers were working longer hours, trying to get the project together. One finally broke, and called their high school geometry teacher, pleading for help.
The teacher said, "ok, it's pretty easy. Here's what you need...
-a lifting body or surface
-a steering surface
-a propulsion method"
The young engineer stared blankly at the phone, thanked the teacher, and headed back into work with the solution.
"How did you figure this out?" everyone asked. The young engineer pointed to the senior at the back of the room. "They had the answer all along, and my geometry teacher confirmed it."
Three points define a plane
/yes, I'm still needing to work on the delivery for this one
-
As the week progressed, the younger engineers were working longer hours, trying to get the project together. One finally broke, and called their high school geometry teacher, pleading for help.
The teacher said, "ok, it's pretty easy. Here's what you need...
-a lifting body or surface
-a steering surface
-a propulsion method"
The young engineer stared blankly at the phone, thanked the teacher, and headed back into work with the solution.
"How did you figure this out?" everyone asked. The young engineer pointed to the senior at the back of the room. "They had the answer all along, and my geometry teacher confirmed it."
Three points define a plane
/yes, I'm still needing to work on the delivery for this one
-
You heard about the failing economics student who worked as a prostitute to pay for the course and forgot to pay her pimp?
she didn't understand the sin tax
she didn't understand the sin tax
Prostitution theory:
ANY task can become unpleasant once it becomes your job.
ANY task can become unpleasant once it becomes your job.
Why Iron Man and not Fe-male?
The inverse is also true. Think about the hobbies people plan to do when they retire: fishing, woodworking, traveling, gardening, etc. In any other circumstances, those are jobs, and not necessarily pleasant ones.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super rad if you don't know what either of those things are.
What's Sirhan Sirhan's favorite band?
The Dead Kennedys.
The Dead Kennedys.
Doh! And here I thought it was going to be Duran Duran. 
My librarian girlfriend broke up with me.
She said it was overdue.
She said it was overdue.
In contrast to when she says she wants to get married because she is overdue
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s girl ant, but if it floats…
Throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s girl ant, but if it floats…
"Hey Footsie, is it time?"
"Not Yeti."
"I know you ain't Yeti, but is it time?"
"Not Yeti."
"Fuck. Never mind. Hey Yeti..."